Grateful

Sometimes, life changes so drastically, and so suddenly that it’s hard to remember what life was like before the changes. It’s easy to bemoan backward glances, fearing you may not like what you discover if you do in fact, brave the past (ie red hair dye and loads of eyeliner) and the events and people that made and changed you. However, those pivotal moments in our lives, the tragedies and the celebrations are what shapes us into the people we are, whether that be embittered or joyous. I hope to be the latter but sometimes I find myself lashing out, yelling, or crying because I’m unhappy with my current circumstances, whether that be potty training or getting up for the 10th time in one night. 

On the contrary, there are seasons in our lives where it seems like nothing of significance is taking place, that one could literally DIE of  BOREDOM; that describes how I felt as a kid. Growing up, I felt like my life hadn’t begun and couldn’t hold any significance until adulthood. I consoled myself with the fact that school wouldn’t be forever, that once an adult I would NEVER have to mentally labor over dreaded school work again. All the while, choosing to homeschool my children and inflict the same torture I endured. But hey, I turned out great, right? RIGHT?

Having kids has been the most abrupt and drastic change in my life, and I often forget what life was like before them. Similarly, there have been a million gradual changes in my parenting journey that have taken place since then; one simply being time, my children are growing up right before my eyes, and I’m conflicted, wanting to freeze time all the while wishing for a full night’s sleep and an end to poop catastrophes. If you haven’t guessed it by now, we’re currently potty training our 2 year old and while it’s been good overall, it’s been exhausting and the whole poop-in-potty thing hasn’t sunk in yet (only into the carpet, actually). Yay for “it’s just a season”.

I’ve never been one to “know myself” very well; for instance, I don’t know why I am the way I am, I’m not big on psychoanalyzing myself. My sister likes to say “I’m learning [blank] about myself” and I’ve never been a good student in general, but especially about myself, although that might have been one class I would have really enjoyed. I’m not trying to sound modest, I definitely struggle with thinking of myself too much and too highly; however, lately I’ve been pondering how much of the way I feel is rooted in emotion/hormones and sleep deprivation, not facts or circumstances (well I suppose “lack of sleep” qualifies as circumstantial). Obviously I’ve known that emotions don’t always align with reality, but it’s a whole separate thing to actively recognize that in the moments when in the pit of despair.

Like everyone ever, I have great days with the kids, and really, very, awfully, terribly, horrible days with kids and it’s good to know that no matter what happens, and no matter how I’m feeling, that God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and that I’m blessed whether I’m feeling it or not. It’s easy to say, “God is consistent and consistently good regardless of how I’m feeling” but it’s not easy to act like my feelings don’t matter because, even if they’re irrational, they still affect me greatly. I wish I could waltz through dreary days and seasons with a huge smile on my face but I haven’t achieved robot status yet. Someday. 

Just last week I was weeping in the shower, the best place to weep, duh. Part of my emotional “breakdown”, if you will, was caused by lack of sleep, a messy house, and anxiety over the 2-year-old’s erratic sleep patterns, oh and I was crying because of my postpartum hair loss. crying. I know, pathetic. It’s crazy that no matter how good life is, it’s still hard. I should be thanking God I have hair to lose! I know my life is SO GOOD, that I get to serve a good God, that I have a hope and a future because of Him AND YET I can get so bogged down by spilled milk (literally). Meanwhile, one of my good friends from college has cancer and has already had to undergo invasive surgery because of it.

Being pregnant 4x has been physically difficult but I would do it over a million times if I had to, thankfully I don’t have to! With each additional child, life has become busier and weightier, but each time we ask ourselves, what are we living for? Are we living for ourselves, to simply enjoy life? Or are we living with eternity in mind? That looks different for everyone, but it should factor into every decision we make. Hunter and I have never really known how many kids we would have, and we still don’t. I guess eventually we will know but as of now, the verdict is still out. 

There is so much freedom in giving God the reins, because He knows what’s best for us, and He longs to give us the desires of our hearts. Thank you Jesus. Even with all the changes life brings, the joys and the sorrows, God is the same, He doesn’t change like shifting shadows, and we get to serve Him together and forever and for that I am grateful even when I’m just not feeling it.