I have always loathed doing anything alone, although I do appreciate the forever allusive alone time in the bathroom. In high school, if I had an errand to run, I would bring one of my younger siblings with me, which wasn’t too hard since I had a plethora of younger siblings who were normally biting at the bit to be taken out into the “real” world. Just kidding, We weren’t THAT kind of homeschool family. I never realized how motivated and accountable I am by the mere presence of people until marriage, and then having kids.
I consider myself a hard worker in general, but if I am alone, I lose motivation to work hard. So far no one has left me alone for more than 10 minutes so it’s not been a problem. But truly, I don’t know how much my inability to enjoy alone time has to do with my upbringing (nurture) or my personality (nature), or maybe it’s the combination that has made me absolutely crazy (that’s normally the answer, right? A little bit of BOTH!).
When I was first married, a billion years ago (almost 9 years, to be exact), I had a hard time being alone while Hunter worked (I did work, but mostly part time, and I was alone a lot more than I ever had been). The amount of Netflix shows I watched in my young adult years is ridiculous; I had SO MUCH FREE TIME, and yet, I was discontent, not really enjoying or soaking up the time I had married and without kids. Being newly married, living in a new town apart from my family and friends, and at a new church where we struggled to make friends was isolating. We both struggled, Hunter struggled with learning how to be married to someone he didn’t know could be so mean (spoiler alert: that WAS me, folks) and I struggled with isolation and the new normal.
However, despite these struggles, we were learning what it meant to be “happily married”, how to truly love each other in word and deed. And of course we did love each other, hence getting married; we enjoyed our random runs, obsessing how to make good coffee, riding bikes downtown, watching shows, hiking, and last but not least learning how to argue. I had a way of putting my foot in my mouth, saying exactly what I was thinking, no matter how mean and sometimes for the sake of being mean, and Hunter was in disbelief that anyone so lovely as myself could be such a terrible person. It wasn’t until he started to fight back that things took a turn for the better, not only did I need Hunter to stand up for himself, I also needed to recognize that my discontentment with the new circumstances didn’t warrant the hurtful way I was treating Hunter. And I do not mean I was unhappy being married, I truly was elated. It was everything else that took me by surprise. Learning to live with ONLY one person was an adjustment, even if that person was my favorite person in the whole world.
I still struggle with wanting to be right, pride, and moodiness. Hunter and I were recently sharing about our first year of marriage with my younger sister and her fiance, and while I sometimes cringe at the thought exposing my sin to others, there is healing in confession (Jame 5:16) and sin cannot live in the light. Pride tells me to shove sins behind the curtain of the past and act like I’ve always had my life together. When in reality, I still don’t have my life “together”, whatever that means, and it’s only by God’s grace that He continues to reveal to me blind spots that I haven’t submitted to Him. And let me tell you, there are still plenty of areas I need to daily submit to the Lord, but that only happens when I recognize that my good deeds aren’t qualification for His love.
Since early marriage, my home life has become more and more social, as Hunter and I have taken the call to “be fruitful and fill the earth” very literally. Whereas Hunter’s work life has become less and less social as he works alone almost all the time. He is an electrical engineer and he works remotely for a company based out of D.C. that makes satellites (I married a genius, but it’s no big deal), so all day he writes computer code and solves the world’s problems simultaneously motivating himself without the daily interactions that most people have in the office. However, he would be the first to tell you that isolation has been the hardest aspect of his job.
Man was not meant to live alone, we innately crave human fellowship, to differing degrees but no doubt we need one another. I’m still learning how to honor God with my time and resources regardless of the number of people around. My kids make me a godlier person; they motivate me to control my tongue, to choose kindness, to get off the couch and help them clean up their messes. Same goes with having younger siblings; I was extremely motivated to be a better person once I realized the influence I had over my younger siblings; well, I always knew I had power over them, but that didn’t motivate me to be Christlike, think opposite of Christlike. Basically, I “ain’t a saint” (bumper sticker idea, anyone?) and I struggled very much with submitting my life to Christ, but it wasn’t until I realized my life apart from Him was meaningless, and that my siblings’ lives could be positively or negatively impacted by my life.
God has given parents unique influence over their children’s lives and we can use that to either point them to God and His grace and mercy or to point them to ourselves and our good deeds, negating the entire purpose of the cross. So whether you work alone or with a plethora of little ones undertow, seek community within your four walls, and “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18), even though sometimes it doesn’t feel possible to live peaceably with a toddler.
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
Ephesians 2:8-9
Amateur Motherhood 